{"id":12132,"date":"2025-06-22T16:20:09","date_gmt":"2025-06-22T23:20:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/?p=12132"},"modified":"2025-06-22T16:26:20","modified_gmt":"2025-06-22T23:26:20","slug":"90-of-marriages-after-brain-injury-could-be-saved-with-supports","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/90-of-marriages-after-brain-injury-could-be-saved-with-supports\/","title":{"rendered":"90% of Marriages after Brain Injury Could Be Saved with Supports"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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The statistics given to couples following a brain injury are horrible and terrifying. They are told that upwards of 90% of marriages end in divorce after a spouse sustains a brain injury. I say\u2014boldly\u201490% of marriages could be saved when a spouse sustains a brain injury IF supports are in place for the entire family and for however long they need them. Period. I wholeheartedly challenge our system to prove me wrong!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everyone in the family is impacted by brain injury. Everyone! Spouses, children, parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, chosen family, and anyone else connected to the person (bloodline or not). If we follow the example of the husband or wife suffering a brain injury, then I can tell you unequivocally the non-injured spouse and children (if applicable) shoulder tremendous responsibility in coordinating care, supports, and getting their loved one through the day. Often, supports are not in place to help the supporters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong. I fully believe that people do better at home. What I don\u2019t believe is that sending a person home from hospital without supports, or with limited supports, is right. It\u2019s not. The individual needs care, the family needs help, everyone needs to do their own work around loss, and leaving the person and their family to fend for themselves is, in my opinion, criminal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Life Inside Families Following Brain Injury<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Who is This Person?<\/strong>
The Emotional Roller Coaster of Brain Injury & Loss<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Everyone has experienced a situation where the response of the other leaves us wondering\u2014who is this person? His or her reaction may be so over the top that you don\u2019t recognize them. Or perhaps you have received this stinging feedback about yourself from others. The emotional roller coaster of brain injury and loss is suffered by everyone involved. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The survivor goes through intense emotions and family and friends also endure an irregularity of feelings. As grief takes hold, life becomes out of control and of course, our default thinking is that the person is not grieving right. If you have thought this, you\u2019d be wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Few things are certain in life; however, there are three guarantees:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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  1. We are born.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. We die.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. Change is inevitable!<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    Changes, like finding a new job or adopting a healthier lifestyle, are usually an individual decision. However, changes such as the death of a loved one or a catastrophic injury occur without choice or negotiation. These are not changes one would have asked for. Yet, no matter how much suffering goes with the change, you are expected to accept it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    A common statement is, \u201cI just want my life back.\u201d That\u2019s not possible. Even if a person was healed and all the scars of what took place are eliminated, they would still be different. Why? Because going through an experience changes us. You don\u2019t go through an event without developing a new appreciation for what you have or haven\u2019t lost; therefore, your view of life will be changed forever. There is no going back to the old you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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    The DABDA Model Barely Scratched the Surface but it Started People Talking<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n


    Dr. Elisabeth K\u00fcbler-Ross, a Swiss American psychiatrist, was a pioneer in near-death studies and wrote the ground-breaking book On Death and Dying<\/em>. Her model, commonly referred to as the Five Stages of Grief or DABDA (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), was a godsend to professionals. At the time it could be equated to \u201cgiving water to the parched.\u201d Social workers, clergy, doctors, and nurses were desperate to find a way to open communication with the dying. K\u00fcbler-Ross did just that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The problem with her model was that it was interpreted as being linear, meaning the stages occurred in the order given. This left professionals and their clients believing that one must go from denial to anger, to bargaining, and so forth or the person was doing the work of grieving incorrectly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Before Dr. K\u00fcbler-Ross died, she declared that the stages were meant to be a list of potential grief responses and not to be misconstrued as having to go from one to five. Not only did this validate what the bereaved know to be true\u2014that grief responses are vast and not predictable or orderly\u2014but it also gave us permission to grieve in a more realistic way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    There is no denying that Dr. K\u00fcbler-Ross pioneered the field of bereavement. Without her work, the voices of the bereaved would remain unheard and their emotions grossly misunderstood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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    It is Actually an Emotional Roller Coaster<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Loss, including loss associated with brain injury, unleashes an excess of feelings. Some won\u2019t believe they can have such intense emotions, which can be explosive. As previously stated, these reactions are not predictable or easily categorized in a logical fashion. The journey is not a beautiful walk; it is more like an evil roller coaster ride. There are times when all you can do is white knuckle it through the day and hope to get to the end of it. Some even have fleeting thoughts of the roller coaster disappearing into a dark hole. This isn\u2019t because they want to die, it\u2019s because they are desperate for relief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Dr. Alan Wolfelt\u2019s expansive list of grief responses includes shock, numbness, disbelief, disorganization, confusion, searching for meaning, anxiety, panic, fear, loss, emptiness, sadness, and more. This immense list resonates readily with people and is one that Dr. K\u00fcbler-Ross would agree with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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    R.A.G.E. \u2013 A Normal Grief Cycle<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    I like to use the acronym R.A.G.E. to explain this normal grief cycle:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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    • Regret<\/strong>
      It is normal to think about the could-haves and should-haves or \u201cI did\u201d and \u201cI didn\u2019t.\u201d You may regret getting in that car or for allowing someone else to get in a vehicle. Regret is about being remorseful, so it requires forgiveness to release it. Remember, forgiveness is not about removing accountability; it is about taking responsibility for what you have done and\/or no longer being a vessel to carry the pain. You cannot control or change the past, but you can focus on doing things differently or better today.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    • Anger<\/strong>
      I felt anger towards the person who hit my husband on his police motorcycle. I can\u2019t remember how long I felt it, but I did, and I had to work through that. I was also angry with him when he died\u2014after all, we had two children getting close to the teen years and we were going to do this together! Now I was on my own. Anger is normal. It is how anger is expressed that is important. Work with a professional to safely express your anger and then let it go.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    • Guilt<\/strong>
      Feeling guilty is also a normal part of the grief experience. For me, I felt guilty that I had been the one left here to live. I felt guilty when I fell in love and remarried. I felt guilty that I was able to be a part of and enjoy our daughters\u2019 lives and their dad couldn\u2019t. Guilt can be healthy when it motivates us to change (e.g., you ate one too many chocolate bars) and it can be unhealthy (i.e., the sole purpose is to make you feel bad). If you have a reason to feel guilty then make the change or amends and move on. If the guilt is irrational, do some work around forgiveness if it is needed and\/or release the guilt knowing it doesn\u2019t serve any purpose.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    • Emotional Roller Coaster<\/strong>
      The grief journey is the roller coaster ride from hell. It is about going forward ten steps and then fifty back. You think you have a handle on your feelings when suddenly you have an outburst. The grief journey is not easily controlled. You can\u2019t force it into a linear process\u2014it is a twisty-turn type of path that doesn\u2019t allow you to see beyond the fog.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n

      Grief commands your attention and being proactive in the journey is best. Do the work of grieving so you can live again\u2014really live with joy, passion, love, and laughter. Do it because you deserve to be happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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      Time-Limited Supports Are Often a Setup for Failure<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      Okay, so here is the deal. We\u2019ve declared that no two brain injuries are alike and there is no cure for a brain injury and what works for one person may or may not work for another. There is a little more to these statements, such as:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Here is the truth:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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      1. No two brain injuries are alike; however, the threads of similarities are profound, especially when considering not only what the individual goes through, but what the entire family unit goes through.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      2. There is no cure for brain injury\u2014sort of\u2014but now we know about neuroplasticity and how the brain can heal itself. We know without a doubt that the brain can create new pathways and enable a person to do things differently. Yes, life is different after brain injury. But it\u2019s not a death sentence. If a survivor has support to do the work of recovery and rehabilitation, there is a different outcome. Dumping the full responsibility of doing long-term rehab on the family is a recipe for emotional bankruptcy, burnout, and breakdown.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      3. What works for one person may not work for another person. To clarify, what works for one person may not work for another in the same timeframe. Like grief, brain injury rehabilitation does not have a time-specific agenda. There is a plethora of documentation where survivors can do something today that they have not been able to do for ten years post-injury. How? They kept working at their rehabilitation and, usually with support!<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

        We would never dream of telling a heart patient or someone with a chronic illness that they are only entitled to six months of support. Why do we do that with brain injury rehabilitation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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        About the Author<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

        Janelle Breese, MPCC-S, is an author, speaker, and counselor with expertise in grief, loss, life transitions, and brain injury. She resides with her family in Victoria, BC. She is the author of A Change of Mind: One Family\u2019s Journey through Brain Injury<\/em> and Life Losses: Healing for a Broken Heart<\/em> and two children\u2019s books on diversity and inclusion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        <\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        The statistics given to couples following a brain injury are horrible and terrifying. They are told that upwards of 90% of marriages end in divorce after a spouse sustains a brain injury. I say\u2014boldly\u201490% of marriages could be saved when a spouse sustains […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":12133,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_EventAllDay":false,"_EventTimezone":"","_EventStartDate":"","_EventEndDate":"","_EventStartDateUTC":"","_EventEndDateUTC":"","_EventShowMap":false,"_EventShowMapLink":false,"_EventURL":"","_EventCost":"","_EventCostDescription":"","_EventCurrencySymbol":"","_EventCurrencyCode":"","_EventCurrencyPosition":"","_EventDateTimeSeparator":"","_EventTimeRangeSeparator":"","_EventOrganizerID":[],"_EventVenueID":[],"_OrganizerEmail":"","_OrganizerPhone":"","_OrganizerWebsite":"","_VenueAddress":"","_VenueCity":"","_VenueCountry":"","_VenueProvince":"","_VenueState":"","_VenueZip":"","_VenuePhone":"","_VenueURL":"","_VenueStateProvince":"","_VenueLat":"","_VenueLng":"","_VenueShowMap":false,"_VenueShowMapLink":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[38,37],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-caregivers-stories","category-survivors-stories"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12132","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12132"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12132\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12133"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12132"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12132"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/messageinabottle.ca\/bcbia\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12132"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}